Friday, July 3, 2009

California Dreaming

well here I am in Sebastopol, CA. Shane is with his father for the summer. We had a nice few days together as a family, hiking around the Gulala River and around his Papa's Anapolis home, and if it wasn't for the male figure's inability to be a mature adult and calmly converse with me about common parenting responsibilities without feeling threatened I'd still be up in Mendonoma spending a nice fourth of July weekend with them. I tried to politely inquire about concerns that other parents would take up as priorities, apparently he felt I was hovering and being controlling. I just don't know what to do. My intuition tells me to just let him be a parent on his own, make his own mistakes, and hopefully he'll make sure that his son is not damaged or injured by his choices and behavior. Shane is "learning how a guy lives."

My main concern is that Shane continues to have a weak role model when it comes to an adult male communicating respectfully to women, especially to me, the mother of his child; the child he didn't want to have with me, but now loves incredibly. What am I to trust, when a father rolls his eyes when the mother explains the summer homework their child's speech teacher asks for follow through on, and then scuffs at an inquiry over whether he has a first aid kit handy (i mean after all, living off the grid in a mountain house thirty minutes from the nearest town where cutting wood, bushwacking through forest and cliff hiking are common practices, does make one wonder about where the aide is if something sudden and unexpectedly happens.) I wasn't judging him, I was inquiring about the well being of my son. But what really got me was how defensive said father got when I inquired about his plan for childcare when he was at work. You'd think I was asking about his habits! My heart still hurts.

I had to leave so that the father role and appropriate adult behavior could kick in, because unfortunately I apparently create an energy around him that makes him revert back to an antiauthority disrespectful, irrational adolesent. I'm sorry. I will need to keep clear of conversations that triger this distrust in me of him, and trust in his love for his son, that all will be well. I want to do my best to insure my son's well being, as all mother's do, and I do try my best to do so, without interferring with a father's parental duties???, but is the situation I see acceptable? I guess it needs to be. what am i saying?? help!! I'm trying to figure this out as I go along and it's hard.

My Santa Rosa based friend Darrah is in LA and I'm in Sonoma alone waiting to I guess, fly back East. I have three days to wait out, and have very little left financially to work with. I have a number of choices to make right now, and am waiting for some guidance. I'm heading to Healdsburg to camp and we'll see what happens next.

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