Thursday, May 14, 2009

Taking the risk to bloom, pulling weeds first

Inspired by President Obama's commencement speech and drive. Inspired by Kevin's enthusiasm, Natale Design and Build's interest, and inspired by my enjoyment of the Green Drinks gathering last night at the Shady Lea mills... I put my notice in today at the magazine. I really don't like selling advertising and I'm not good at it, especially in a depressed economy when I see so many businesses struggling. Advertising will get people wanting, but if they don't need it, no ad is going get them spending money they don't have. And besides, It's been costing me more money to work then I bring in and my spirit gets killed every press week. It should be rewarding and its damaging to me instead.

Even with a positive attitude and when most of the time I'm enjoying my work - the drives, the people, the magazine, the creative expressionism, even the busy systematic work with all it's challenges (slow email, no printer, gas money and time consuming drives). What kills me the most is the pressure to be perfect in areas that I'm not very good in - that is killing me, emotionally, spiritually and financially.

I know I've given this work a great deal of my best, but I'm needed to release it (the job) and like Obama said, do what inspires me what interest me, what I"m good at, and do it full on. " Let the beauty I love, be what I do." rumi My son, his art, our art, my passion for sustainable living and natural health, yoga, nature, dancing and music, community outreach, being of service, evolving spirits, these things interest me and I am very drawn to them. "Let yourself be silently drawn to what you really love." rumi

I am excited and relieved even with all the scary aspects I face. ( I hate to even state them here... people will think I'm crazy!)
I must stay positive, and feel all the abundance energy around me as a support when doing what my soul guides me to do. I will be happy - I am a happy person and choose happiness over sadness. But I am sad to and mourning many things, ideas and relationships.

Most importantly is my child's well fare. Our secure, stable existence is of utmost importance and I am going to give that/him/us my 100% attention - we will survive and thrive happily, yes with some adventure, but never again with such insecurity.

Thank you God, government and my own talents, grace and courage.

Thanks for listenting. Wish me luck and success and the spirit to perservere and do my best.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

what do i really want

okay i'm just going to put it out there. i want to live yes, in the country- as my recent facebook challenge tested me on, but also in a sustainable lifestyle, so I'd like to walk to places I frequent or at least bike or drive less than what I am doing now living in beautiful Matunuck on the outreaches of the great little town of Wakefield, RI. I love being by the beach, by the ocean enough to hear the waves, feel the mist and smell the sea breeze and ocean roses.

I like seeing the red bird sweep cross my path on Green Hill Beach Road and I love the drive along Matunuck School House Rd, but I'm always late and in a rush - so the sweep of nature is more of a tug at my heart than the calming pulse of it when the earth is beneath my feet. So I want to be in nature more and to be a part of my community more as a servant volunteer that is happily giving and receiving, and I want my boy Shane along side me.

I want a job... job... what a weird word. where or what did that word derive from? any one know, please do tell.
I want work that is not as competitive and heart breaking and as much a test of my ills. Sure I know you get what you need, and the perks are tremendous pluses. I love the friendly exchanges I have with my clients and seeing the communities evolve with progress, or change with seasons, in repair and disrepair, vacant buildings and spruced up ones. like today in Hope Valley - what a joy of a day working with Jon at URE outfitters and Doug at the Hack and Livery and having a Dels and checking out James' new digs all cool cafed out there. I was very impressed and pleased, because I need all the internet cafes I can get - that have style and appeal.

Okay, I want a man that I can love and who loves me back, unconditionally, and he must have the desire to grow and expand with me and my little family. I love to travel and want to explore the world with my son, and continue to cross the country with him on trips and extended stays in California, the other state I just absolutely love (besides Rhode Island- less the accents and the egos, RI is a sweet little state with a big heart and so much to offer and enjoy from simple pleasures like a walk on a beach to grand pleasures like sunset over the Newport bridge and dinners at BRuna's Table, Valuna or CAV or a movie at the Cable Car or sailing out to sea (which I haven't done enough of).

I want a career where I can continue to teach yoga and support my life mission, to spread LOHAS and LOVE, while also fulfilling my responsibilities with financial stability and security for my son and I, as well as the enrichment of our minds, spirits and soul through adventures of the heart and seeking out our interests and fulfilling dreams.

I'd love to be able to build or renovate a green home, simple,small and sustainable with views and tubs and decks or porches, flowering weeds and rock walls, maybe staw bale with big fat walls and stain glass windows.

I want to meet a man who is into this too, and wants to work with me to fulfill this dream, and also the dream of having a yoga studio in the communities we live in (physical and virtual) that are also proud and humble examples of sustainable living and community service *like the homes we live in. I want to help more mothers get on their mats and receive the guidance and support for self empowerment and connection that they need, whether in my own home towns or in a impoverished country around the world.

I want to help Shane see his father in the greatest light possible and to be a good, gentleman himself with confidence and artistry and productivity that serves others and provides a good life for himself that would make us all proud and grateful. Amen.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Wise words I sought in response to my cry

I want you to pay ultimate respect to yourself. Understand your power as a potent prophet of your own life. Flush away the images running around your imagination that are not in harmony with your life goals. Create images that encourage you to be your best. Cultivate feelings and ideas and imaginations that are in alignment with your highest ideals and deepest desires.

Rob Brezney

Merury in retrograde, Rebecca in retrograde

Ugh. the ups and downs of life, the steps forward and the retro back.

thank God for my little boy. he is pure joy, my shining star, the love of my life. Oh, but I did think I'd have true love in this life time too. a partner one day. what ta f___k. men. what is meant for me? what is going on?

i feel like screaming help. like crying and retiring into the woods on a long, long walk to regain my sense of self, my true natural state of me. where am i leading my life? what do i want? how can I create the life I want. first i need to figure out what specifics I need to self actualize.

more exuberant yoga and dance. more sunshine and greenery. more fresh air and friends. margaritas with less sugar and more zing in an outdoor seating with a view setting.

more love with love coming right back or surprisingly first.
less hives. less fear. less anger. less frustration. less poverty.

more abundance. more optemism. more scrupulant observations of self. more Shane.
more creativity actualized on my end. more step by step prioritizing and productivity.

more practice at patience. more breath. more prayer. more meditation.
less struggle. more grace.