Friday, December 25, 2009
QUESTIONS, I'll wait for answers on, pending in THE NEW YEAR? How long am I going to be single- for the rest of my life? Is it best for me to be alone? I hate dating. I love Brien. But I can convince myself that being an on again, off again girlfriend for almost five years is not good for me. I thought this time was going to be different. I was wrong. It must be for a reason. "Accept what comes to you, woven in the pattern of your destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs." Marcus Aurelis, 1 AD I think I need to take time for me and my practice, and I'm looking forward and happy with my present of now.
WHAT DO I REALLY WANT FOR MYSELF? for my son and for our little family? for our future(s), since I know my son's future is separate from mine... ah, that needs details.
WHAT WILL I DO DIFFERENTLY THIS YEAR TO MAKE THINGS "HAPPEN"? Remembering that true "happiness" is to "let things happen" with acceptance and an open heart, so as to not be resistant or hardened to change, I will align my will, the fire of my desires, with my heart's passions and with a mindful intent. With silent listening and a clear conscious I will set intentions for what I would like to have spring forth in my life.
I will study and practice yoga and meditation every day and every night, which I love doing, so this shouldn't be such a challenge to make time for. Although sometimes I/we put off what we know to be truly good for us, because we are afraid of happiness. I will, with and without Shane, sit for daily meditations, and attend group meditations and yoga gatherings. This means also getting myself to Ananda and/or The Unitarian Church for group sadhana and services. (On the Sundays and weeknights that I am not teaching yoga).
I will immerse myself in Self study and the growth process, which I value immensely and recognize as being beneficial to all those I am in relationship with. I will be disciplined in my study of Anusara Yoga and the Self study that takes place when enrolled in a Teacher Training program. I have committed myself to this training and will set aside the necessary time and funds to make it happen through the spring. A $1500 commitment.
I will be of service to others as a yoga teacher and writer, while making money and providing for my self and my son. I will direct energy towards raising awareness and funds for causes my heart is inspired to help.
I will bring to fruition what I hold dear in my heart: writing books for causes with Shane, like our first effort: "Don't let the Rhinos get extinct like the Dinos", which we've already begun, and I can clearly vision as published and read. This is to be a fundraiser for Save the Rhinos foundation.
I will work smart at writing grants, a new worthwhile career in line with my dharma, for non-profit endeavors I believe in. Starting with one for the Alternative Food Coop, which I'd like to help make an educational resource center for whole foods cooking, "green" shopping and natural wellness.
I will make the amount of money I wish for in detail. An amount of money I need to live the lifestyle I want for my son and I; the amount I desire to fulfill humble, but life giving activities and a sanctuary Shane and I can call home. I will plan for our future, for the summer and for another school year in Matunuck renting.
I will work with and meet people whom will help me grow in areas I'd like to be educated on. Shane wants to be a vegetable and goat farmer, and have a little stand in front of his home garden... next summer. We will prepare for a garden and for a summer with some travel- back to CA and perhaps some dinosaur excavation sites.
I am not a farmer, or a carpenter, but someday I would like to build or live in a simple, "green" home, with light and love and tremendous nurturing qualities. I will do what I can to make this possible, one day at a time, one penny at a time, one grant at a time, one book at a time, and one relationship at a time. Honestly, I know I do not have the ability to do this on my own, but who knows if I go toward it I may get the help I need. I have a lot to learn in this respect and I really feel I need a loving partner to do this with, someone with patience, creativity and good money management. It sure would be nice if we were in love too. I was liking my mutual interest in this area with ... oh, but I may need to move on...
I want to write, plant, travel and teach, and always practice yoga. Yes, always practice yoga, for in practice we grow, and in teaching what we practice, we offer what we have in abundance to the world, and often that is an abundance of lessons yet to be learned.
Dream big, let go of what you no longer need. And be free from struggle, accepting and open to possibility!
Namaste~ and HaPpy NEw YEar!!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
It's been so dark lately, but this weekend's snowfall has shined lots of light on the darkness, and is creating quite a lot of reflection. Everybody's dark sides are coming to light, and bouncing off each other. It's part of nature, but it can often be a painful time and hard to accept. During this winter season sparkling with Holydays, I pray that all beings everywhere withstand the darkness, and see their own light as divine goodness, shining on the serene, the beautiful and the sacred, and when dark corners are unveiled into light, may we be accepting without overreaction but with grace and equanimity. With this we can shine light on the possibility of growth and healing.
I need to remember this as I deal with the realities and unrealities that I am faced with, on this darkest night of the year. I thought he loved me. If he loves me I'll stick it out. I just don't know anymore. He says I never come to the middle, yet that's what I do and request all the time, to take a break when stressed, instead of being reactionary. To apologize when we've over reacted. I can not be his dream girl, the perfect woman- the one 'like mother, but without mother's faults.' We all have a dark and a bright side. It takes acceptance to understand that. I am not his mother. This snow is just glaringly mirror-like in all directions, and it's shining lots of light on dark corners. Everything he says about me, I swear he could be saying to his own reflection, and he probably thinks the same of my words. It's very confusing. What can simplify things is acceptance and opening to Grace, not over reactivitiy. So I must move on and look forward with an open heart.